Many years ago two friends, Joe and Tom, came to a small town. It was very dark when they came to a little inn. They asked for a room with two beds. The owner of the inn showed them a room and gave them a candle because there was no lamp in the room.

When they were going to the room the candle fell out of Joe"s hand. It became very dark. They found the door of the room and went in.

They took off their clothes and went to bed. The bed was very big and by mistake1 they got into the same bed: Tom from one side and Joe from the other.

After a few minutes Joe said, "You know, Tom, there"s a man in my bed. Here are his feet near my face."

"Yes, Joe, there"s a man in my bed too. His feet are near my face too. What shall we do?"

"Let"s push them off our beds."

And they began to push each other. After some time the two men fell on the floor.

"Joe!" cried Tom. "My man is stronger than I. He has pushed me down to the floor."

"I"m on the floor too," answered Joe. "I think we must go to the owner of the inn and tell him about it."

Are You Angry, Sir?

One day Mark Twain was travelling in France by train. He was going to a small town near Paris. It was very late at night when he went to sleep. He asked the conductor to wake him up when they got to the town, and went to sleep.

It was early morning when he woke up. The train was already near Paris. Mark Twain was very angry. He ran up to the conductor and cried, "I asked you to wake me up! Why didn"t you do it? I am very angry with you!"

The conductor looked at him for a moment and then said, "You may be angry, sir, but not so angry as the American whom I put off" the train instead of you."

In a Small Town

Toscanini was a great musician. He lived in America. One day he came to a very little town. He was walking along the street when he saw a piece of paper in one of the windows. He read:

"Mrs. Smith. Music Lessons. Two Dollars a Lesson"

Then Toscanini heard the music. Somebody was playing Tchaikovsky.

"Mrs Smith is playing," he thought, "she isn"t a very good musician. She doesn"t play Tchaikovsky well. I must show her how to play it."

He went up to the door of the house and rang. The music stopped and soon a woman opened the door.

"Are you Mrs Smith?" asked Toscanini. "My name is Toscanini and I want to show you how to play Tchaikovsky."

Mrs Smith was very glad to meet the great musician. She asked him to come in. Toscanini played Tchaikovsky for her and went away.

A year later Toscanini visited the same town again. When he went up to the house where he had played Tchaikovsky the year before he again saw a piece of paper. Now it read:

"Mrs. Smith (Toscanini"s pupil). Music Lessons. Four Dollars a Lesson"

A Great Painter and a Great Doctor

Joseph Turner was a great English painter. He had a dog which he loved very much. One day he was playing with his dog. The dog fell and broke his leg. Turner sent for a doctor. But he did not want to send for a vet.1 He sent for the best doctor in London.

When the doctor came Turner said, "Doctor, I"m glad you have come. My dog has broken a leg. I know that you are too great for this work, but please, do it. It"s so important to me."

The doctor was angry but he did not show it.

Next day the doctor asked Turner to come to his house. "The doctor wants to see me about my dog," Turner thought.

When Turner got to the doctor"s house the doctor said, "Mr Turner, I"m glad to see you. I want to. ask you to paint my door. I know that you are too great for this work, but please, do it. It"s so important to me."

The Policeman and the Thief

In a small town a man stole1 some money from a house. The police began to look for the thief. Soon they found him and brought him to the police station.

There was a new policeman at the police station and they wanted to give him some work.

"Take this thief to the city," said one of the policemen. "You must go there by train."

The policeman and the thief went to the station. On their way to the station they came to the shop where bread was sold

"We have no food and we must eat something in the train," said th° thief. "It"s a long way to the city and it"ll take us a long time to get there. I"ll go into the shop and buy some bread. Then you and I can eat in the train. Wait for me here."

The policeman was glad to have some food in the train. "Be quick," he said to the thief, "we don"t have much time."

The thief went into the shop and the policeman waited in the street for a long time. At last he went into the shop.

"Where is the man who came in here to buy some bread?" asked the policeman

"Oh, he went out the back door," said the owner of the shop.

The policeman ran out but he could not see the thief. So he went to the police station and told the others about it. They were very angry with him. All the police of the town began to look forthe thief again and soon they found him. They brought him back to the police station and called the same policeman.

"Now," said one of them, "take him to the city and do not lose him again."

The policeman and the thief went to the station and came up to the same shop.

"Wait here," said the thief. "I want to go into the shop and buy some bread there."

"Oh, no," said the policeman, "you did that once and ran away. Now I"ll go into the shop and you"ll wait for me here."

Not a Robber

A young man who lived in the suburbs" of a big English city was going home from the railway station. It was a dark night and there was nobody in the street. Suddenly he heard somebody walking behind him. The faster he went, the faster the man ran after him. At last he decided to turn into a small street to see what the man would do.2 After a few minutes he looked back and saw that the man was still running after him.

"He wants to rob me," the young man thought. He saw a high garden wall and jumped over it. The other man jumped over the wall too. Now the young man was sure that the man behind him was a robber. But he could not understand why the robber was not in a hurry2 to attack him.

The young man did not know what to do. Then he turned round and said, "What do you want? Why are you following me?"

"Do you always go home in this way? Or are you taking some exercise today?" answered the man. "I"m going to Mr White, but I don"t know where he lives. A man at the railway station told me to follow you, because I could find his house very easily as Mr White lives next door to you. Will you go home or will you do some more gymnastics?"

The Mouse and the Corn

Many, many years ago there lived a king who said that anyone who could tell a story for two years would get1 a piece of land.

First one man tried but his story lasted only two weeks. Another man finished his story after five days. A third man began his story like this:

"Once a farmer planted some corn. When the corn grew the farmer gathered it and put it into a shed. Then the mouse came into the shed and began to eat the corn."

The man went on, "The mouse took a grain of corn, the mouse took a grain of corn, the mouse took a grain of corn..."

The King interrupted the story, "Well, what was after this?"

"I can"t tell you," answered the man, "because the mouse hasn"t finished eating the corn yet."

"All right," said the king, "you will get a piece of land."

For Those Who Like to Travel

One day a Paris newspaper gave an advertisement3 about a very cheap4 and pleasant way of travelling - for 25 centimes.5 Many people believed it and sent the money.

A few days later each of them got a letter. The letter read: "Sir, rest in bed and remember that the Earth turns. Paris stands at the 49th parallel. At the 49th parallel you travel more than 25,000 kilometres a, day. You may look out of the window and watch the beautiful sky."

A Clever Fisherman

A fisherman brought a very large fish to a rich man"s house. The rich man asked the fisherman to name his price for the fish. "I don"t want money," was the answer. "One hundred lashes on my back is the price of my fish. I won"t take one lash less!"

The rich man was surprised and said, "Well, this fisherman is very strange, but we must have the fish. So let the price be paid."

After fifty lashes the fisherman cried, "Stop! Stop! I have a partner in my business and he must get his part, too." "Where can I find him?" asked the rich man.

"He"s your own servant. He didn"t want to let me come into your house till I promised to give him half of the price of the fish."

Two Brothers

Once there were two brothers, Peter and Bernard. Both of them liked to ride horses. One day they both went to buy a horse. Bernard bought a horse and Peter bought a horse, too.

"Oh, dear!" said Bernard. "How are we going to tell our horses apart? How shall I know which is my horse and which is your horse?"

"It isn"t difficult," said Peter, "you cut the tail of your horse shorter than that of mine."

So Bernard cut the tail of his horse and now they could see which horse was his. But then the tail of Bernard"s horse grew and the brothers began to think again.

"I know!" said Bernard. "You cut the mane of your horse very short and so we"ll see which horse is yours."

But soon the mane of his horse grew.

"Do you know what we must do?" asked Peter. "We must see whose horse is longer. Perhaps, one is longer than the other."

And at last they found that the black horse was three centimetres longer than the white horse.

Quick Thinking

One night a hotel caught fire1 and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes.

Two men were standing near the hotel and looking at the fire. "Before I came out," said one of them, "I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money there. People don"t think about money when they are in panic. When paper money gets into a fire, the fire burns it. So I took all the paper money that I could find. No one will be poorer because I took it."

"You don"t know me," said the other man, "and you don"t know what I am."

"And where do you work?"

"I"m a policeman."

"Oh!" cried the first man. He thought quickly and then he said, "And do you know what I am?"

"No," said the policeman.

"I"m a writer. I"m always telling stories about things that never took place."

Короткие рассказы на английском языке (short English stories)- адаптированные и в оригинале. Для начинающих, продолжающих и совершенствующихся. Для тех, кто только начинает изучение английского языка или тех, кто не хочет забыть его. Лучшие рассказы английских и американских писателей с захватывающими сюжетами особенно подойдут тем, кто изучает английский язык самостоятельно.

Если Вы заглянули на эту страничку, дорогой читатель, значит Вы хотите прочитать что-нибудь на английском языке. Вы можете выбрать книгу, рассказ или небольшое произведение , а заодно и посмотреть его экранизацию. Давайте вместе совершим путешествие во времени, скажем, в век XVIII, познакомимся с эпохой, ее типичными характерами, а заодно и с величайшими писателями, которые жили в то время. Они говорят с нами через несколько веков, вложив слова в уста героев своих произведений. Хорошая книга — понятие относительное. Ведь вкусы у нас разные, поэтому и произведения на нашем сайте Вы найдете разные. Однако несомненно одно — все книги, которые мы предлагаем, достойны того, чтобы их читать. Ведь это не просто лучшие книги на английском языке — это классика английской и американской литературы. Итак, открываем книгу и отправляемся в другой мир. Не потеряйтесь!

Уровень B. Прочее.

I would like to tell you about

I would like to tell you about the story, happened to me 5 years ago. I am not crazy. I hope you will believe me.

It was cold winter and I was really happy about leaving the school, because Christmas holidays has already begun. My name is Edgar, I"m 16 years old, studying in common russian school. I do not have a lot of friends, because I do not like having fun and talking to somebody, if you are interested in my biography.

I had a best friend, called Mark. He was the same age as me and did not have friends, except me. All night long we were spending time, talking and reading horror books. It was awesome and very creepy. I had the same interests as my friend, so we liked the same stories. But one of them was my favorite, because there was an interesting and mysterious thing that i spot. It was the shortest book I have ever read, which contained only 5 pages but sixth was torn away. We had found this book in the old small library and had stolen it away. Me and my friend are not the thiefs, by way, but we really needed it to Study and find out what riddle was hidden in that strange book, written by the unknown author. So, our story began.

Having read that book incompletely, we realized that all events happened in our town! It describes about the old abandoned clinic that settled in the woods. We needed more information.

2 weeks ago, after studying it attentively and searching huge amount of information on the internet, we puzzled out where is that old building situated. My friend has written down the coordinates quickly and we went in the forest.

Unluckily, our small "group" has reached the hospital when it began to dusk. I saw many broken windows and dirty things. Allin all it was very horribly. We went down the stairs in the catacombs and decided to split.

I really regret about that decision. After 15 minutes I have spent in the dark I began to call my friend. Nobody answered. One more 10 minutes passed that I spend, walking and turning in a different directions. Suddenly I stunned. I do not know what exactly I saw till nowadays. There was a creature straight ahead from me, which has been sitting, shaking hands and eating something. I decided to silently go away but after he spot me, I ran away at once. I had been running till I reached my house.

At conclusion, I want to say that of course, nobody believed me, even my parents. I have not seen my friend 3 years already and I did not go to the forest and will not go there anyway.

Я хотел бы сказать вам об истории, которая случилась со мной 5 лет назад. Я не сумасшедший. Я надеюсь, вы поверите мне.

Было холодно зимой, и я был очень рад окончанию школы, потому что рождественские праздники уже начались. Меня зовут Эдгар, 16 лет, учусь в обычной русской школе. У меня немного друзей, потому что я не люблю веселиться и говорить с кем-либо, если вы заинтересованы в моей биографии.

У меня был лучший друг, которого зовут Марк. Он был того же возраста, что и я, и у него не было друзей, кроме меня. Всю ночь мы проводили время, разговаривая и читая страшные книги. Это было потрясающе и очень жутко. У меня были те же интересы, что и у моего друга, так что нам нравились одни и те же истории. Но одна из них была моей любимой, потому что в ней была интересная и таинственная вещь, которую я обнаружил. Это была самая короткая книга, которую я когда-либо читал, в которой содержалось всего 5 страниц, но шестая была оторвана. Мы нашли эту книгу в старой небольшой библиотеке и украли ее. Мы не воры, если что, но нам действительно нужно было изучить и понять, что за загадка была спрятана в этой странной книге, написанной неизвестным автором. Итак, наша история началась.

Прочитав эту книгу полностью, мы поняли, что все события произошли в нашем городе! Она описывает старую заброшенную клинику, которая располагалась в лесу. Нам нужно было больше информации.

2 недели назад, после внимательного изучения и поиска огромного количества информации в Интернете, мы поняли где расположено это старое здание. Мой друг быстро записал координаты, и мы пошли в лес.

К несчастью, наша маленькая «группа» достигла больницу, когда начало смеркаться. Я увидел множество разбитых окон и грязные вещи. В целом все это выглядело очень ужасно. Мы спустились по лестнице в катакомбы и решили разделиться.

Я действительно сожалею об этом решении. После 15 минут, которые я провел в темноте я начал звать моего друга. Никто не ответил. Прошло еще 10 минут, что я потратил, идя и поворачивая в разных направлениях. Вдруг я замер. Я до сих пор не знаю что я там увидел. Там было существо прямо от меня, которое сидело, шевелило руками и ело что-то. Я решил молча уйти, но после того как он заметил меня, я сразу убежал. Я бежал, пока я достиг моего дома.

В заключение я хочу сказать, что, конечно, никто не поверил мне, даже мои родители. Я не видел своего друга уже 3 года и я больше не ходил в лес и не пойду туда в любом случае.

Мы в Lingvistov часто говорим, что наша задача - это интересное изучение английского языка. Когда вас захватывает сам процесс и вы видите его смысл, то английский язык без сомнения учится быстро и безболезненно. Поэтому мы решили разнообразить повседневность, наполненную грамматикой и скучными учебными текстами, и предложить подборку анекдотов на английском языке! Смешные истории на английском языке помогут вам в развитии языковых навыков, пополнять ваш словарный запас и просто улучшат настроение.

Woops Sorry About That

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that"s wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Bad Date Joke

“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.” Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy. Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .” “No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”

The child and his mother

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

Homework

PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”

TEACHER – “Of course not.”

PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”

* * *

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother"s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It"s the same dog.

* * *

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don"t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

* * *

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father"s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn"t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Math, Physics, & Philosophy

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn"t you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

Mental Patient

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David"s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn"t hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

News Stand

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday"s paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where"s the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!”

School Question

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Я давно преподаю английский язык, и в мою методику входит самостоятельное чтение, которое выглядит примерно так: после каждого занятия я посылаю ученику на e-mail рассказ на английском, который он дома читает (иногда еще и слушает, если к тексту есть аудио), а на следующее занятие пересказывает мне.

Теперь я решила выложить эти рассказы, чтобы их могли использовать все желающие – как те, кто самостоятельно изучает английский и ищет что-нибудь интересное почитать, так и такие же, как я, учителя в постоянном поиске материала для своих учеников.

Рассказы на английском распределены по трём категориям: попроще, средней сложности и посложнее. К большинству текстов прилагается аудио, в этом случае рассказ можно послушать прямо на странице чтения или скачать в формате mp3. Здесь, к сожалению, нет материалов для детей – все тексты рассчитаны на взрослых. Некоторые из них адаптированы, другие – нет. Авторы самые разные: часть рассказов написана О’Генри, некоторые – Марком Твеном, другие принадлежат перу менее известных и более современных английских и американских писателей. Но абсолютно все опробованы на моих студентах и одобрены ими.

Список текстов постоянно пополняется. Читайте, слушайте, учитесь и учите других!

Избранные статьи

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Я хочу, чтобы все материалы на этом сайте оставались бесплатными. Если вы поддержите его развитие, я смогу чаще добавлять тексты и аудио, писать новые полезные статьи и расширять функционал. А ещё я буду очень вам благодарна:)